To Fight or not to Fight
Isn't it odd how often we have heard, "We never even had a single fight...." said by one or the other to a friend upon finding out their partner wants a divorce. "We always got along so well not even an arguement." Said by way of explaining how good everything was, even in the face of the divorce papers. On the other hand, one friend, upon being informed that someone is getting divorced might say, "Yeah, that was inevitable they fight over everything." Does fighting lead to divorce? Should we never argue if we want a happy home?
Sometimes we make a distinction between arguing and fighting...I say, "Why quibble." We fight, we argue, or we don't and neither holds the moral high ground. If you are in a relationship and you have never disagreed openly you are coping; and if you find yourself defending your ground regularly you are still coping. Coping isn't bad it just won't lead you to the promised land of good and loving relationships.
To be in a relationship, first and foremost, requires us to be at least a little vulnerable; and with vulnerability comes the risk that something we do or say, or something they do or say or think will trigger us into our fight/flight/freeze mode. If we're fighters we'll fight, if we're runners we'll flight and that, as they say, "is just the way it is."
What we want then is something to help us when we are triggered and coping with our relationship. Perhaps it is to fight fair. There are a lot of books on that topic; or perhaps it is to 'set boundaries' as many authors exhort us to do: OR perhaps it's to learn how to maintain the perspective that when people fight they're scared, or in pain, or afraid that something precious to them will be lost. That is what we will look at here.
When you have a relationship you have the potential for the most satisfying and joyful experience in life; AND you have the potential for more misery than you thought possible. It comes with the territory, so, what are we to do?
When we find ourselves triggered and coping with our relationships we need to know that that is not the important quality of it. We need to have the courage to tell our selves AND our partner that we are hurt or afraid and feel we have lost something important to us. We need to become aware (and maintain that awareness) that all the blame, shame, and posturing is aimed at protecting ourselves and will not bring joy or satisfaction to either party. We need to appreciate that the other person probably feels the same way and what we want in those moments, more than anything, is to stop the fear and pain and recapture what we believe we've lost. So long as we remain stuck in fight/flight the three chances of real happiness and satisfaction are; fat, slim and no.
Before you fight, start with the disclaimer that everything from this point forward is simply self serving, self protection and that you know it and the big YOU will return as soon as you can. Agree with your partner to do this each time you fall into triggered and coping patterns and then learn how to tell new truths. Forgive yourself and your partner in advance for being triggered and don't take anything, from that point forward, seriously.
The truth is you are scared or hurt and afraid of losing. Say that and put a period after it. Wait and do not react to any pain or hurt spewing from your partner. Ask them to share what they are so afraid of and what they are afraid will be lost if they become more vulnerable; then, go first and tell them your answers to those questions and allow yourself to feel.
It takes great courage "not to fight" it takes honesty and vulnerability and a return to compassion for the other that 'seems' to be' the enemy. You will be able to have these things when you learn how to be free to fight and have it mean absolutely nothing. Learn to make these agreements with those you love. Let them know you may not always be able to stop it right away, but with just a little patience you will return...open vulnerable and honest to share your feelings and listen for them to share theirs. Fight or argue to your hearts content, but never if you think it actually means something.
There is much more on relationships in "Life after Survival: Consciously Evolving our Consciousness" and you can learn these skills we talk about here by using the Companion workbook--many have. Fight or flee you will have little choice about that once triggered, but then take heart and meet your daemons head on; and love the one you're with....BUY NOW to begin your journey to a more joyful relationship!
